Fallen and Broken

It’s been some time since I last posted in this blog and so much have happened. So much that I don’t exactly know where to start. I guess that’s the problem when you’re not out and you’re not used to talking about your “lesbian love” problems to anyone, you just don’t quite know where to start or how. I guess I’ll just get on to the very core of what’s caused my hiatus– I am heart broken. There, I said it! Yeah, I lost at love. Yet again.

My girlfriend and I broke up. Although it wasn’t entirely a decision of hers alone, the suggestion came from her. You see, we’ve been in a long-distance relationship for the past two years and it was difficult. At the start, it wasn’t as tough, especially with how technology has made the world so small. And then, the visits, from both sides, became less and less frequent and I guess that takes a toll on the relationship. Sometimes, even if there’s no one else, problems just arise. Plus, you just need to feel your significant other’s physical presence at times. And then, not only the visits became less frequent, even the calls and the message exchanges became less and less frequent. It became enough for us to just ask how the other was doing once or twice a day. The conversations became shorter and shorter. The silence became louder as days passed. And then came her issues with family and work! Like me, she’s not out. But, unlike me, she has not accepted totally  her sexuality. I mean, she just kept saying she wasn’t gay, it just so happened that she’s in love with a woman. Okay, so, maybe she isn’t gay, I have no right to assume she is and it is not my really my place to say whether she is or not, but I have literally been in that same place. With my first relationship with a girl, that was what I kept telling myself. And, that was difficult. I couldn’t really come to terms with it and I just couldn’t reconcile things. With her, though, it’s different because I never felt or saw her have any internal conflicts.

This is why it came as a complete surprise to me when she told me that she needed some space to sort out her issues. She said she had too much in her plate, what with her family issues and work problems, she couldn’t deal with what we have at the moment on top of all that. She said she no longer felt capable of loving anyone, not even herself. She said she was so conflicted it had become difficult to move and function so she needed space. I wasn’t happy about that. Come on, we’ve been together for years! All of a sudden, this?! But then, I tried to understand. I saw and felt the change in her, in me, in our relationship. I couldn’t deny the fact that we weren’t like we used to be. At the back of my mind, I was telling myself maybe this was something we needed to try. Maybe we did need space. So, I told her I’ll leave her to sort out her whatever was wrong and that I’ll be here if and when she comes around. That was two months ago. She never reached out, and neither did I. My pride probably had a lot to do with that, yes, but I guess we both need this, maybe we both want this. Maybe this had been a long time coming, we just never really had the courage to let it out of our systems because we were so used to having each other.

But, is it doing us any good? Am I in a better place? Are things clearer to me? I’m not sure. Honestly, I don’t know what or how to feel at the moment. I mean, I agreed to this after all. Why the hell am I hurting so bad that oftentimes I just cry myself to sleep? Why is it hard to even breathe sometimes? Why do I desperately need to keep myself busy and bury myself in work, but actually end up not finishing anything or having to do things all over again? Why can’t I focus on anything? Why do I feel like nothing I do means anything? Why am I no longer seeing a bright future like I used to? Why is it so difficult to get up every morning? Why am I so lost?

This set-up is breaking me. My heart is bleeding and I don’t know what to do. I thought that being in my 30s and having had my share of experiences in life, I’d be a little more sure of myself in situations like this. It turns out that I’m just as helpless today as I was when I had my heart broken for the very first time. And, it hurts just as much or  even more. Yeah, much, much more! More than ever! And, I am as clueless as to what to do as I was that first time! The big difference, I guess, is I’m now better at hiding how I feel to those around me. Sad thing, though, is that I don’t have anyone to turn to because the only person I could always turn to is the very person causing this pain. The very person who promised to always have my back has turned her back on me. I guess I’ll have to let time do its job. It’s all I have right now– time. Yes, time. To heal. To understand. To let go. Time is my only friend right now.

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