I started this blog for many reasons- one of which was for it to be an account of my coming out. I want to document this personal journey here so that one day, when I’m out, and free, and gay, and proud, I can go back to it and maybe read my story from another person’s eyes. I am also telling my story in the hopes that it might help others like me, who are also struggling; that can be right at this moment or maybe in the future if people actually ever find this blog. I know that telling my story anonymously is not really that brave and daring but, this is as far as I can go for now. It’s not that I’m trying to save my face or anything. It’s because I’m protecting my family. Until I get to come out to them, I need to keep myself anonymous. This is not just some lame excuse that I’m using, this is my reality. I wish it were different. But then again, if it were then I’d already have been out of the closet a long time ago! It’s just so difficult, especially coming from a culture where family reputation and good name are of greatest value. As they say, coming out shouldn’t be forced. One doesn’t need to come out if he or she doesn’t want to or doesn’t need to. I know in my heart that I want to come out more than anything and I need to come out for so many reasons, personal and otherwise, but I have to take my time. I am sure, though, that things will fall in perfect place. Soon enough.
I want to dedicate this blog post to some of my favorite lesbian YouTubers whose videos inspired and motivated me, and continue to do so to this day, to think and ponder about what I’m going through. These YouTubers have really helped me understand myself and finally come to terms with everything that comes with who I am. Though they do not know me and will probably never know or even hear about me, I owe them so much. I have become so much more comfortable and happy with myself and about being gay, thanks to every single one of them. Most of them are so much younger than I am, but are so much ahead when it comes to being themselves. Sometimes I do envy them, sometimes I wish I’d realized and admitted my being gay earlier on but I also think that if I didn’t go through everything I went through then maybe it wouldn’t be as important and precious to me- my being gay. All my experiences, especially those crippling and heartbreakingly difficult episodes of self-doubt and self-loathing, make me the person that I am now.
Once I had a strange dream. I was stuck in a dark forest without any chances of getting out alive. I was starting to feel suffocated so I struggled to find a way out, any way out. And then, I saw a glimmer of light from not so far. I started following it and it became clearer and brighter. I could finally see that it was a way out of the forest. It was an opening that led to a colorful yet unknown world. I felt excited and scared at the same time. As I got closer and closer, I no longer knew what to do. And because I was so used to being in the forest and in the dark, I wasn’t sure I could actually survive in that world. So I cowered and waited. And waited still. Slowly, I took one step outside the forest and checked out what was out there. It was more scary than exciting. With heart beating faster than it ever had, I shrank back in the forest. One day, I thought I’d waited long enough so I took that one step out again. And then, another. And another. Until I was at a safe distance from the suffocating darkness of the forest. I liked the outside world, but too many times I felt the urge to flee and go back to the forest. It was like this for a long time. Until I came upon a group of people happily singing. They sang gaily about rainbows and love, and all sorts of happy things. I wanted so badly to join them. I didn’t know how or why but I knew their songs by heart. I observed them day by day. And every day, I learned something new from them. They reminded me of things I already knew but never thought I did. I followed them around and they showed me and made me understand that the world outside the forest wasn’t as scary as I thought it was. The world is such a nice place and I ought to live my life in this beautiful world, singing and dancing to songs of rainbows and love, and all sorts of happy things.
That’s my life story summarized. Those happy singers are my current girlfriend (the most amazing girl I’ve ever met), my past grilfriends, my beautiful gay friends (men and women both), very few they may be, two fictional lesbian characters: Santana Lopez (from the TV series, Glee), whose storyline I was able to relate to more than any other lesbian TV or movie character, and Cosima Niehaus (from the TV series and comic book series, Orphan Black), who made me realize that sexuality or sexual preference is just not a big deal, and, of course, those lesbian YouTubers: Rose and Rosie, Bria and Chrissy (their other channel), Steph, Arielle (her other channel), Ari Fitz, Amber, Unsolicited Project, Cammie, Shannon, Stevie, Ally Hills, Marissa, Amanda, Sam and Alyssa, Jelly and Day (their other channel), Whitney and Megan, Kaelyn and Lucy, and Sarah and Rachel. Some of these YouTubers used to be couples and, though I am saddened by their break-ups, I also know that that’s part of life, sometimes even the best relationships fail and that doesn’t mean that love won’t win in the end. Also, I’ve just recently found YouTube channels of very young lesbian couples who, in my opinion, can be really good role models to young lesbians who are struggling. They are Tiffany and Jessica (their other channel), Diana and Lina, Danna and Kaysha, Emily and Brittany, Sally and Maddy, and Dee and Tana. There are still so many others out there, but these are the ones I’ve been following and who have really helped me so much. Thank you, all! May all the positivity and love you share to the world return to you tenfold. You don’t even know it but I owe all of you my life. Literally.
Reader, my dear friend, if you’re still reading this, you’re the best! Do check out their channels! Much love!