That Which I Don’t Talk About

Hello, lovies! ❤

I am going to talk about something I’ve never mentioned in this blog before. If you’ve read my previous posts, you’d know that I am a closeted lesbian. That I went through hell to be able to come to terms with who I truly am and be okay with it. That before meeting and getting together with my first girlfriend-slash-first love, I actually had romantic relationships with a few guys. But, I never mentioned that I was actually married. Yes, I was married. To a guy. For a year. It wasn’t a bad marriage, really, but it was bound to fail. There was no love, at least from my side. I tried! I really did, but it just didn’t work.

I was already dating my first girlfriend at that time. No one except the two of us knew how we felt for each other and that we were together. Everyone thought we were best friends (and, we were!) because that’s what we told them. We were into our second year together when my mum started talking to me about me getting married. I didn’t want to, of course. I did what I could to stop any talks about it. I rebeled against my mum. I kept thinking that if my pop (may he rest in peace) were still around, I wouldn’t have had to go through that. For the first time, I talked back to my mum. I yelled at her and she yelled at me. You have to understand that in the community where I am from, this is unthinkable! We had arguments almost every day for a couple of months until I stopped talking to her. I started ignoring her. I became so cold towards everyone in my family and, coming from a very closely-knit family, that was torture for me. I made sure they knew that there was no convincing me. I held on to my word until I could no longer do so.

My mum talked to me one afternoon and begged me to reconsider. She said she was getting old and she didn’t know how long she would still be around for. She further said that with my pop gone and her not being sure how long she had left, she just wanted to make sure that we were all good (“in good hands” was the term she used). She couldn’t bear the thought of leaving me all alone, all my siblings were already married by then. She just wanted to be sure I would always be taken care of. That just made me melt like butter. I couldn’t bear hearing her talk that way. It also seemed like I was really giving her such a hard time. So, I said I’d think about it.

The guy, who would eventually become my husband and ex-husband much later, was an old friend of mine from college. I’d always known he fancied me. Well, he wasn’t exactly shy about expressing his feelings. He was a nice guy. There was nothing not to like about him. He was sweet and thoughtful. He wasn’t lacking in the looks department either. It wasn’t very difficult for me to see why my mum liked him and wanted him to be my husband. He was everything any mother would want for her daughter. He was the perfect husband-material. What finally got me to say yes, though, was the fact that he showed me not only through words but actions how much he wanted me to be his wife and exerted so much effort to win my heart. I can’t say I fell for him, but his efforts, thoughtfulness and  kindness were enough to convince me that things could actually work between us.

At that point, my relationship with my girlfriend, as was expected, was hanging by a very thin thread for dear life. We were still very much in love, but the situation was just too much for both of us. It was completely consuming us. I hated myself for what I had to do. I wanted to make my whole family, especially my mum, happy but at what expense? Hurting the person I loved most! It was the biggest dilemma I had ever faced. I was young and I didn’t really know what the right thing to do was. I wanted to stay with her so badly, but I wanted to give my mother the only thing that she’d ever actually begged me to do. She never really asked much of us, her children, as we were growing up. She was happy to see us happy. It would naturally feel wrong to refuse her once she’d actually asked for something. What was so heartbreaking for me during that time was the fact that my girlfriend stayed with me the whole time. She was there to support me all the way, whatever my decision was. She understood my situation because she also hailed from a family very similar to mine. I knew she was hurting, but she never showed it. We had a few arguments, naturally. But after we had “the talk”, she made it look like she was fine with everything. She chose to stay with me as my biggest support system. That just killed me inside.

The wedding came and went. It was a good one. Everybody was happy, everybody except me. My by then ex-girlfriend was there. Can you believe it? She was that supportive! She didn’t want to cause me more stress and pain than I was already going through. I did try to pretend myself that I was alright. I played my part. And quite well, too. My ex, my husband and I eventually became very good friends. We went out together. It may be difficult to imagine this, but that was how it went for us. I kept reminding myself that because I decided to marry this guy, I would do my best to make things work. I was going to stand by my decision no matter how tough it was. I mean, I wasn’t there to pretend to be the best wife I really wasn’t. I was really there for the marriage. I never denied to my husband how I didn’t exactly feel the same way he did for me. I was trying, I was doing my best. I was in it for real.

All those times we were together, I did start to feel something special for him. He really was a nice guy. But, it wasn’t exactly love. It wasn’t as strong as what I felt for my ex-girlfriend. I could never have loved him that way even if I wanted to. And, by this time, even with the lovemaking and traveling we were doing, I knew and was sure that I really wasn’t into guys. But, I stuck to the marriage. It had to work! I didn’t want to hurt any more people. I was willing to make a sacrifice of myself. Now, don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t being heroic or anything. Far from it! I just really didn’t want trouble and I was just too exhausted. I just wanted something in my life to work and have a happy ending or something. By this time, I was already harboring ill feelings towards my mum because I felt she was to blame for my secret misery.

We had our happy moments, I’d admit that. But, after a few months, I knew that it wasn’t working. I was not myself anymore. I was slowly changing into a person I was not. After taking so long and going through so much to finally be okay with myself, I just couldn’t go through that again. My husband and I were so unlike each other. We believed in different things. Our opinions about almost everything contradicted. We couldn’t deny the fact that we were just not made for each other. In the eyes of the people in our community, we were the perfect match but we knew in our hearts that we weren’t. When we were alone in our room, we couldn’t connect. That was something that I couldn’t work around with. It was of utmost importance to me that I and whoever my partner was could really communicate and understand each other. A connection of souls was what I was looking for. And, we had none of that!

Finally, we’d had enough. We both tried our best. We both did what we could. It just wasn’t working. We had irreconcilable differences. We decided, once and for all, to end the marriage. Ironically, that was one of the few things we agreed on immediately. After being married for a year, we called it quits. We filed for the annulment of our marriage.The best thing  about it was we didn’t have to fight. There was no ugly battle. It was amicable, and to this day we’ve remained civil and friendly with each other. He has since remarried and is now enjoying fatherhood. I couldn’t be happier for him because I truly believe he deserves all the happiness he has now.

As for me, I am the happiest I have ever been. My mum and I have found our way back into each other’s heart and good side. Presently, I’m very happy and so much in love with life and with the woman I am with. I’ve since moved on from the heartbreak or heartbreaks that marriage caused me. I’ve learned so much from everything that happened. After all those experiences, now, more than ever, I know who I am and what I want. I am loving who I am! I have since found such peacefulness and happiness only being true to oneself can afford.



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