There was a few days of silence for this blog because I was out of town for a few days. During my trip, I got to spend time with some very good friends of mine. Also, I met and became friends with another closeted lesbian whom I had an instant connection with. She’s a very interesting person, very stylish, too. The whole time we were hanging out, she had this really cute fedora hat on, a pair of really cool boots, and this cute little, black dress I know I can never pull off. Because we had a common friend who’s also a lesbian (one of the very few people who know that I am a lesbian), somehow it felt right for both of us to come out to each other. I’m telling you, the relief and the great feeling that comes with coming out to another person never gets old. It always makes me feel that this world is a good place after all. It’s the best feeling!
I can be very passionate about LGBTIQA+ rights when I am with the right people. And that was basically what went down while I was hanging out with my friends, two of whom are gay guys, two lesbians (including my fashionable, new friend), a straight girl, and three straight guys. We talked about Pride and how it would be so much better if none of us needed to explain anything to anyone, how it would be so nice if people like us no longer needed to come out because we could just be and no one would care. That’s wishful thinking, of course, but may be one day it might happen. We talked about some of the most serious issues and challenges faced by so many in the community. We talked about what could be done or what could actually happen. Spending time and talking to people who think like you and who are so accepting and supportive has always been a huge help to me ever since I decided to start coming out. Back when I was still trying to come to terms with my sexuality, it was so difficult and I felt so helpless and alone in my struggle. I didn’t think anyone else would understand. But, I know now that I don’t have to be and it wasn’t right that I suffered through all that alone.
The two gay guys in our group grew up always knowing that they were gay and being okay with themselves. They are both effeminate and super confident. One is louder than the other, though, especially when drunk! Such happy souls, bless them! I love them both so much. Sometimes, just watching and observing them, I can’t help but feel envious. Not in a bad way, of course. I just look at them and wonder how different everything in my life would be if I were that kind of lesbian- the kind that really “looked the part”, you know. It’s not that they have it easier, I don’t think so, but when, say, a lesbian is the butch type or the masculine type, she stands there, talks and walks, does her thing, and just like that, people already know. No need for explanations, no need for coming out. I, on the other hand, have to do a lot of explaining just because, most of the time, people don’t believe me. I’ve even encountered a few lesbians who told me they never thought me to be a lesbian or told me that I actually looked very straight. WTH? They made me feel like I had to prove myself to them or something.
I am obviously a very feminine lesbian. I am a cisgender female, that is a female who is satisfied and who identifies perfectly with the sex/gender she is born with. I honestly don’t care about gender roles or stereotypes, but I just am very feminine. And I really wouldn’t want to be anything else. It probably has something to do with how I was raised. Growing up, I loved “girly stuff” and loved being a girly-girl. At present, I guess I can say that I can be your poster girl for everything feminine. So much for not caring about gender roles and stereotypes! Haha! No, but, really I just can’t help it. I love being a woman, I love everything about being a woman. And, I am one of those lesbians who have never ever had any fantasies or wishes (not even in my wildest dreams!) to be male. I am more than happy being a female.
Sometimes, this is where the complication starts. Some people just don’t get it or refuse to get it. How can I be a lesbian when I am and look so feminine? The fact that I am more attracted to femmes or lipstick lesbians like myself adds more to the complication. Especially where I come from, the only lesbians most people know are butch lesbians or those that are seen in mainstream media. Someone very close to me couldn’t wrap her head around the idea that an openly gay woman can be a beauty queen. (Yay for Erin O’Flaherty, Miss Missouri 2016!) This close friend of mine told me that she’d expect a gay woman to be a race car driver or something, not a beauty queen! When I told her about Patricia Yurena, Miss Spain during the 2013 Miss Universe Pageant, also being a lesbian, she just went nuts! She came up with so many excuses and explanations for these beauty queens, one of which was that it’s just a phase. She went as far as to say she will never be convinced that they are “truly” gay. This is another stone thrown at my way. I know that I don’t really need to explain myself or justify my actions, my likes, dislikes and whatnot, but a huge part of me wants to make people understand that there are lesbians who are like me. It was not, it still is not, and it will never be just a phase! I am not a straight woman pretending to be gay nor am I a lesbian pretending or trying to act straight. This is just the way I am. I will always love lipstick, especially pink ones, and I totally dig lipstick-wearing women! This is who I am. This is how I am. Deal with it!
I wish I could say all this out loud. Well, I can’t right now, but I am hopeful. One day.