I tried! I really did, but…

Hello!

I’m starting this post from where I left off in my last post where I explained how love changed and saved me. Although I’d always been attracted to girls and, really thinking about it now, I might even have been in love with girls since I was in high school, it was really when I fell in love with my first girlfriend and dated her that I finally started to entertain the idea that I could actually be a lesbian. I couldn’t deny it any longer. It felt so right. I was already in my 20s then.

Before that, I’d had relationships with boys. I had one that lasted for years and I did feel that he was the one. Turned out, he wasn’t. I want to call him M in this post. M was a person I really connected with because he was one of my best friends and we had quite a lot of things in common. Our relationship reached its peak and reached the point where we didn’t want the same things anymore. I wanted to fly and reach for the stars. I had big dreams and I was ready to go and make things happen for myself even if it meant I had to leave. He wasn’t with me in that. He was happy where we were. He was content with  what we already had at that time. So, after years of going out, we decided to break up. It was amicable and we’ve reamained friends to this day.

Now, you might conclude that if we never broke up, I never would have become a lesbian. I’m afraid I’m going to have to disappoint you there. I’d have realized I liked women even if I never broke up with M. Why am I so sure? Well, the relationship I had with him was more of a friendship or companionship. His outer demeanor may show a very confident guy, bordering on being arrogant, but deep inside he was actually very shy and self-conscious. I was the only one who got through to him and who actually understood him. In all the years that we were together, sex was never really on the table. I thought that that was just the way I wanted things to go. What was important was how we felt for each other and how our souls connected. Yeah, all that crap! I was convinced that I was just not into sex or kissing or anything like that. I thought I was that kind of “lover”. I was never drawn to him that way. The best thing about him was he never forced himself on me or anything. He just waited until I was ready and okay with it and I never was.

That was the story of my asexual but romantic relationship with my first boyfriend.

M and I got together when I was in college, but before that, way before that, there was a girl that I became obsessed with. She was my classmate during our junior and senior year in high school. She was a transferee from another city. Let’s call her F. I was immediately drawn to her and we became best friends after a few months. As best friends, we were inseparable, naturally. She was the first girl I truly opened up to and the only girl who had the ability to hurt my feelings. Well, that was something I allowed her to have, I guess. I didn’t know what was happening to me or why I was feeling that way. The times that we had together were the happiest for me, that’s for sure. I was super clingy and I didn’t want her to be close friends with other people. Though I never really spoke out nor acted on it, I would always feel threatened when she became close to some other kid. I thought all those times that I was just really sensitive. That was how I reasoned with myself about how I was feeling towards F. I didn’t even allow myself to think of the possibility that I was, for the first time in my young life, in love.

I always felt wounded and left behind whenever she had fun with others and I had to lick my own wounds because I was always too proud to admit that I was hurt. That was a difficult time for me because, God, she was a very friendly person and was so much fun! She also attracted so many boys and I would always find myself picking fights with most of these boys. I had my share of admirers, too, but I just wasn’t interested. I had no time for such foolishness, I always said. I was too busy battling it out with other kids in my class who were in the honor roll. I was a nerd, basically. A nerd that didn’t look like one, I guess, because I was one of the cool kids, too. You know those teen flick characters who are the top bitches in their shool and who were also top of their class? Well, that was a little like me in high school. I wasn’t one who needed attention or the sad weirdo who was always sulking at the back of the room waiting for any one to talk to her. No, I wasn’t! I was one of those students whose approval many kids in our school sought. I had lots of friends and I had lots of fun. Some wild times, too, if you know what I mean. That’s why it was difficult for me to show how affected I was by this new girl who instantly became my best friend.

Alone, I suffered through and battled with that feeling and insecurity only I knew. I made myself become so vulnerable when it comes to her. But, the final blow was when I found out, a few days before our high school graduation, that she got accepted in some program and was leaving for the States immediately after our graduation. I was heartbroken. Sure, I was happy that she was going to a place we both always dreamt of visiting, but that was also the saddest news I ever received. I don’t remember what I said to her after she broke the news to me. All I remember is that her parents and sisters came home (we were in their house at that time) and found us in a very tight hug and I was crying like crazy. I remember their puzzled looks and F’s helpless shrug. She didn’t know what was wrong and why I was crying that hard. That was my first ever heartbreak. Young that I was, I thought the sadness was going to eventually kill me.

After a while, I did get over her. She left and we drifted apart. We never reconnected. I had my share of heartbreaks, one of them was M, and she had hers. I dated a few guys here and there. My relationship with M came and went. I saw a few more guys. I never had a serious relationship after M, though. I was your typical girl who had a few guys wrapped around her little fingers. I got my way with most of them. But, I was never really interested in them the way they were with me. There were some girls that came into my life that I really liked and who became my closest friends. I know now that what I felt for some of these girls was not what I thought it was or what I wanted to think it was. I know now that I was in love with some of these girls. I wasn’t a possessive and insecure friend. I was just in love. Haha! Well, now, I can laugh at it. Of course, I didn’t know then or I actually did know but I didn’t like the idea. I couldn’t accept it. I hated what I was feeling because it was wrong! I wasn’t supposed to have such feelings.

I tried to fight such feelings. I didn’t want to think about it. I dated boys and forced myself to actually like them. I did like a few of them. But, not in that way. I tried to really be into boys because that’s what I thought was right. That was the only way things were supposed to go. Girls were for boys, boys were for girls. I tried for so many years to really shove this down my system. I believed this. But, there was just really a part of me that just couldn’t be convinced. My heart. My heart beat for girls. It never beat for boys the way it beat for girls. I knew that. I felt that. But, I tried to deny it. I tried to not listen to what my heart was telling me. There was a war going on within me. And, the more I fought and denied that feeling or that part of me, the stronger it got. The stronger it got, the more I hated it and resented myself. Those were really sad and tough years for me.

I know that there are some girls who feel that way. And, God, I know how difficult that can be! Nobody should feel that way. Nobody should go through that. Nobody should ever feel that love is wrong. Or, at least, anyone experiencing that doesn’t need to go through it alone. If even one person who feels that reads this blog and feels that she’s not alone. This  blog has served its purpose.

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