Hello, readers! (I’m just trying to imagine that I actually do have readers.)
My name is D. I am from the Philippines. I am a woman-loving woman, or I guess women like me are more popularly known as lesbians. I’m actually a femme lesbian. Or if I were to be very specific with labels- a lipstick lesbian or gay cisfemale. Depends on what labels you actually use. I am already in my mid-30s, but I am still very much closeted. There are very few people who know about my sexuality. Coming from one of the most conservative parts of the Philippines, this is not exactly surprising. Sometimes I want to announce it to the whole world, especially with social media and all other forms of media available to me, just to get it over and done with but it’s just not that easy. There are so many things and people to consider. I know you’re probably thinking I’m just being paranoid, but if you knew where I’m coming from, all this would make sense. There is nothing in this world I want more than to come out to my family but I just can’t. Not at the moment, at least.
You may say, “What the fuck? What are you waiting for? Why do you care so much about so many things and people? You’re in your 30s! Aren’t you too old to be afraid?”
Believe me, I’ve asked myself the same questions not just once or twice but too many times and the more I think about it, the more I feel that the time is not yet right. It doesn’t help that I’m such a sucker for perfect timings! Time! Oh, time has been quite a friend to me! It took me so long to begin to admit my sexuality to myself and even longer to finally accept myself. It was a huge struggle for me. I didn’t even dare to think about it or address what was going on within me at first. For so many years, I didn’t know what to do or think. I was raised in a very conservative and homophobic community and my family was fairly religious so it was so difficult to come to terms with how I was feeling and what I was going through back then.
I took to boyfriends and informal flings and what-have-you with boys here and there but nothing changed what I felt for girls and what I didn’t feel for boys. I just wasn’t interested or attracted to them in that way. I don’t hate them. In fact, some of my best friends are guys. And my best friend in the whole wide world is a guy. Well, a gay guy, but a guy still. Moreover, I took to activism and prayers because I really felt there was something very wrong with me so I had to make sure I did good with and in my life so I can be worthy. You cannot imagine how difficult that was. To be so young and have all those doubts and negative feelings towards oneself can test any person. I was a very sad and angry person. That was who I was. I hated myself. It was depressing and exhausting. Every single day was a struggle and it was all I could do to stop myself from ending it all.
Then, everything changed when I fell truly, madly and deeply in love for the first time. I couldn’t help it. I could no longer deny that to be with that person was what and all I needed. She was the answer to all my questions and she was the missing piece of my life. All the things I thought was wrong with me and about my life, she and my feelings for her made right. At that time, when I finally acknowledged I was in love with her and told myself that it was okay to feel that way, that it wasn’t wrong to feel that way, I started to understand everything. Everything finally made sense and, for the first time in my life, I saw the world for the beautiful thing that it was and what life stood for became so much clearer to me. Love was my eye-opener. I kept thinking how it was impossible for something so beautiful and that made me so happy to be wrong or bad. Love saved me. I came so far from that very dark place I was in before I met my first great love. She brought the much needed light in my life. And, now, I am the gayest (pun intended) I can be.